Balla Fire

It is Balla Fire's express wish that the following account dispel the long standing rumor that Balla Fire is the illegitimate offspring of The Grand Duchess Anastasia Romanov and her Pyromaniac attendant at the "nervous" asylum.

Born on a Thursday in Parts Unknown to Stella Phlowers (a renowned fire eater traveling with an unnamed carnival) and Krakow Fire (a popcorn cart operator and escaped prisoner of war from a country that no longer exists). The pregnancy sent whispering shockwaves through the carnival not for the presence of yet another bastard from the fire eater but that Stella complained of heartburn for several months straight. It is an exceptionally rare bad omen when a fire eater complains of heartburn for any reason, and more incendiary when it is during a pregnancy. A fortune telling gypsy was called to hover a spoon over Stella's swollen belly. The Gypsy's eyes flew back in her head when the spoon instantly began to heat up and zigzag in angular motions across the mother's belly. The gypsy informed Ms. Phlowers that she was carrying the second coming of Pan the Greek God most noted for introducing Masturbation to human kind. Stella was relieved.

Is is said that Poor Stella Phlowers burst into flames upon Balla Fire's head crowning at her cervix and many onlookers later reported that Stella simply turn to ash around Balla Fire's infant body hence her perfectly proportioned frontal lobe and none of the subsequent nuerosis of ceasarian section babies. Ms. Phlowers left her daughter with nothing but two crimson colored pasties that fell to the birthing bed and were later reported "missing", and enough kerosene to nurse Balla Fire for three months.

Balla Fire was raised by her father. She spent the first ten years of her life standing next to her father's grease covered cart popping corn kernals with her bare hands for stunned onlookers. At the age of ten Balla Fire's Uncle Don arrived in his flamingo pink 18 wheeler and, being appalled that his beloved niece was gawked out for pennies, scurried her off in the night. Uncle Don was a long haul trucker addicted to corn nuts and the butter textured voice of Reba McIntire. Balla Fire rode shotgun across North America listening to Uncle Don cracking corn nuts and proselytizing about Reba's message to the world. Upon Balla Fire's fifteenth birthday Uncle Don escorted her to a reputable tattoo parlour on the outskirts of Las Vegas. He laid down several hundred green bills for an artist to work continuously on her skin for 61 hours straight. Balla Fire stood before Uncle Don, he handed her two pasties wrapped in a tattered handkerchief with tears in his eyes he took a ragged breath and said "Here's your one chance, Balla, dont't let me down".

Balla Fire walked across the desert learning to twirl her late mother's pasties. Balla Fire has since made a name for herself performing regularly at The Antiques Road Show, Bass Fishing Festivals and every honky-tonk west of Tennessee. Balla Fire is an annual performer at the National Cherry Pit Spitting Contest and The Survivors of Alien Abduction Conference and other world renowned gatherings.

Like all self respecting Starlettes, Balla Fire reserves the right to manipulate all facts of her formative years to suit her present needs and ever changing whims, all inquirees should be directed to Balla Fire's management staff easily reached by driving through the North Las Vegas All Night Chapel of Matrimony and using the code words "Betty Boop sold her ass for peanuts".